Una stanza tutta per sé

The London diary & other adventures

Dizziness

Apparat – It’s gonna be a long walk

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The first time I had a panic attack I was in Ikea all by myself.

I clearly remember it because I was in doubt in between some covers for my cushions on a gloomy, autumn afternoon, 2 years and a half ago.

I recall bending over to grab a cushion from a box and suddenly feeling a strong, inexplicable dizziness. I remember having my phone in my hands, as I was chatting with an Italian friend on Whatsupp about plain colours or intricate patterns for the covers. For some strange reason I wasn’t really able to make a choice, a simple stupid choice.

I really needed an advice, some kind of guidance.

At the beginning I thought I was having a sudden drop in blood sugar. I thought: “Feds, you’ve been walking around for hours, haven’t eaten that much today and drank no water at all. Just get some rest!”

I didn’t realise at all that what I was experiencing what the very fist panic attack of my life, and of course I had no idea it would have been followed by many more, in several different occasions.

I approached the bar at Ikea trying to find some sugar or anything that could have helped me, and in the meantime I kept on writing to my friend, without mentioning what was going on though.
In my mind it definitely wasn’t an important element to mention, however I could feel some kind of relief in knowing that I wasn’t “alone”. Despite the fact that my friend was back in Italy and couldn’t have done that much to really help me, my mind needed to feel reassured: there was someone willing to help me, somewhere, somehow.

Throughout the years I have learnt to classify my panic attacks, not because I have fun in doing so, but mainly because it helps me in keeping track of my mental health condition. On a scale of 1 to 10 I guess that this specific episode could be located somewhere between 4 and 5, and I know that this is the main motivation why I didn’t take it seriously.

I’ve read a lot about panic attacks during this last 2 years, and I know that some people also end up in a ER, thinking that they’re having a heart attack.
Thank God I didn’t feel like that.

Not yet at least.

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One comment on “Dizziness

  1. lauryn77
    8 November 2016

    Hi dear, I’m suffering for panick attack since 1996 (I think in English is called Panic Disorder). During the years I’ve learned how to manage them, we can only do our best to live life as it’s the last day of our life, and if the panick attack comes…it will go away soon. And you will be happy to have done that thing by your own. Go on dear! it’s your life. Only love and self confidence can cure it 🙂
    If you wan to speak about it, here I am 🙂

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